Separating from a partner is one of the most difficult things many people go through. Alongside the emotional upheaval, there is a long list of practical questions: where everyone will live, how the children will see both parents, how bills will be paid and what happens to the home. It is completely normal to feel that everything needs deciding at once.

In practice, it rarely does. There is a sensible order to most of it, and taking things one step at a time usually leads to better decisions. If you are worried about your safety or a child’s safety, that comes before everything else below, and urgent protection is available.

The children come first

If you have children, the most important early step is agreeing how they will spend time with each of you. The law in England and Wales puts the child’s welfare first, and courts generally expect parents to reach arrangements themselves wherever it is safe to do so.

Many parents find it helpful to agree a simple written plan covering:

  • where the children will live day to day and when they will see the other parent;
  • school holidays, birthdays and festivals;
  • how you will communicate about school, health and other important decisions;
  • how changes will be handled as the children grow older.

Children usually cope best when arrangements are stable and when they are not drawn into adult disputes. If you cannot agree, mediation can help. If that does not work, either parent can apply to the family court for a child arrangements order, although in most cases you will need to have attended a MIAM first (see below).

The home and day-to-day money

In the early weeks, the aim is usually stability rather than final decisions. Think about:

  • Where everyone will live for now. Moving out is a big step and can have practical consequences, so it is worth taking advice before doing so if you can.
  • Keeping essential payments going, particularly the mortgage or rent, so that neither of you falls into arrears.
  • Joint accounts and credit. Consider how joint accounts will be used and whether any joint borrowing needs attention.
  • Important documents. Keep copies of bank statements, pension information and other financial papers you have access to.

If you are married or in a civil partnership and the home is in your partner’s sole name, you may have home rights that allow you to stay living there, and these can in some cases be protected by registration. It is also worth reviewing your will, as separation alone does not change it. Our guide on when to update your will explains why.

If you are not married, the position is different. There is no such thing as a “common law marriage” in England and Wales. Separating cohabitants do not have the same financial claims as spouses, and disputes about property usually turn on who owns what and what was agreed or intended, with separate provision for claims on behalf of children.

Finances and disclosure

For married couples and civil partners, sorting out finances usually starts with financial disclosure. Each person gives a full and honest picture of their income, assets, debts and pensions, supported by documents. This matters because any agreement is only as reliable as the information it is based on. An agreement reached without proper disclosure is at risk of being challenged later.

Disclosure can be exchanged voluntarily, often using the same format as the court’s financial statement. It usually covers the family home, savings, investments, business interests, debts and, often most significantly, pensions, which are sometimes the largest asset after the home and can be overlooked.

Once both sides have the full picture, you can discuss how things should be divided. The law does not apply a fixed formula. The starting point involves fairness, and the court would consider factors such as the needs of any children, each person’s income and housing needs, the length of the marriage and contributions made. We will explain how those principles are likely to apply to you.

Mediation and MIAMs

Family mediation is a process in which a trained, independent mediator helps you and your former partner talk through arrangements for the children and finances. The mediator does not take sides or make decisions. Many couples find it quicker, less stressful and more flexible than court, and it can help preserve a working relationship as parents.

Before applying to court for most children or financial orders, you will usually need to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting, known as a MIAM. It is an initial meeting with a mediator to consider whether mediation or another non-court option is suitable. There are exemptions, including where there is evidence of domestic abuse or in certain urgent situations.

Other options include solicitor-led negotiation, collaborative law and arbitration. It is quite common to use mediation alongside legal advice, so that you understand your position while you negotiate. Our personal dispute resolution page explains how we support clients through these processes.

Divorce and the financial order are separate

Since April 2022, divorce and dissolution in England and Wales have been no-fault. One or both of you can apply by stating that the marriage or civil partnership has broken down irretrievably, without blaming anyone. The process has two main stages, a conditional order and then a final order, with built-in waiting periods between the application and each stage.

A point that often surprises people is that the divorce itself does not settle your finances. It ends the marriage, but financial claims can remain open unless a separate financial order is made. Where you have reached agreement, this is usually recorded in a consent order approved by the court, which can make the terms binding and, where appropriate, bring claims to an end. Where you cannot agree, the court can decide.

The timing of the final order can also matter, particularly where pensions are involved, so it is often wise to take advice before applying for it.

You can read more on our family law page. Whatever stage you are at, we will explain your options calmly, set out what each step involves, and be clear about costs from the start.